The nominating conventions for American politics are profoundly confusing events that are designed to convince you that the other party wishes nothing more than to take your money, destroy the future and void their bladders onto your kitchen table. While this may or may not be true, The Reasonable Ego would like to present excerpts from the nominating speech of Barack Obama, with clarifying footnotes provided by the Obama campaign. Just click on the footnote to reach the creamy, satisfying notation and then click on the notation number to come back. The Luddites among you may just scroll.

Remember, the informed voter is likely to stay home out of sheer disgust, and that’s probably better for all of us.

Barack Obama (D-Illinois) Accepting the Democratic Nomination for President of the United States:

With profound gratitude and great humility, I accept your nomination1 for the presidency of the United States.2

Let me express my thanks to the historic slate of candidates3 who accompanied me on this journey, and especially the one who traveled the farthest 4 - a champion for working Americans and an inspiration to my daughters5 and to yours 6 – Hillary Rodham Clinton.7

We meet at one of those defining moments8 – a moment when our nation is at war, our economy is in turmoil, and the American promise has been threatened once more.9

America, we are better than these last eight years.10 We are a better country than this.

Tonight, I say to the American people, to Democrats and Republicans and Independents11 across this great land – enough!12 This moment – this election – is our chance to keep, in the 21st century, the American promise alive.13

The same party that brought you two terms of George Bush and Dick14 Cheney will ask this country for a third. And we are here because we love this country too much 15 to let the next four years look like the last eight.

The Republican nominee, John McCain, has worn the uniform of our country with bravery and distinction16 , and for that we owe him our gratitude and respect. But the record’s clear: John McCain has voted with George Bush ninety percent of the time. 17

At this moment, in this election, we must pledge once more to march into the future, and in the words of Scripture hold firmly, without wavering, to the hope that we confess.18

Thank you, God Bless you, and God Bless19 the United States of America.

[1] And like many Democrats before me, I will do my best to screw up an election that ought to be a sure thing. Proudly will I festoon my name to the lowering banner of Dukakis, Gore and Kerry.

On to mediocrity!

[2] By ‘profound’ I mean more of a sense of profound entitlement since I actually wrapped this thing up back in June.  By ‘humility’ I mean the kind of humility that makes it entirely acceptable for me to give a speech in front of two hundred thousand Germans. Germans can vote, right?

[3] Losers – and I’m not thanking Kucinich. Seriously, what in the hell are you thinking?

[4] And as a result, the one who pissed me off the most. After she quoted Saturday Night Live in that one debate, I went home and yelled at the dog for about three hours. The dog didn’t deserve that, but that’s what the Clintons do…I cry a lot more now than before I met her.

[5] Inspiration is used here as something of a euphemism for adoption – apparently Hillary thinks she will do better in her next presidential bid if she has two African-American daughters. This was part of the deal we made to get the endorsement of Camp Clinton. They’re wonderful girls, and I’m going to miss them.

[6] This will be federally mandated when I’m elected. No one said life in the Obama Nation would be fair, did they?

[7] But I hope that all of your PUMA voters choke on a cheap strawberry daiquiri. Go ahead and vote for McCain – see if I care. When the Republicans overturn Roe v Wade and refuse to pass equal rights legislation to close the wage gap and take a warm, fierce crap on every policy you hold dear what are you going to do then?  That’s right; you’re going to elect Hillary in 2012. Stupid Clintons…

[8] This particular defining moment should in no way be diminished because they seem to occur every four years and in tune with the election cycle.

[9] The Promise of America is threatened insofar as there is a chance that I might not get elected.

[10] Okay, I know what you’re thinking and I’m right there with you. I’m a pretty smart guy, I’m Harvard educated and I know that I’ve just completely contradicted the first premise of basic ontology by saying that we are better than what we are.  We might, in potential be better in the future than we are now but we cannot be worse than we are now and better than that at the same time. That just doesn’t make any sense. President Bush can’t be smarter than he isn’t and Nescafé can’t be less bold, rich and delicious than it is. This is called the law of the excluded middle where a thing cannot be and not be at the same time in the same kind – it also holds that thinking stuff like this will exclude the middle block of swing voters and make me unelectable. Barack, you must never say this out loud. NEVER.

[11] But I do not say this to Libertarians - you guys are creepy and not welcome in my America. Move to South America and try not governing there, dumbasses.

[12] Enough, I say! Enough! Enough of falsely soaring rhetoric! Enough of 45 minute speeches that have 12 minutes of content! Enough of…wait a minute…never mind.

[13] What I’m really getting at here is that I’m holding you all hostages to my super powers of hope. Don’t vote for me and there will be no 21st century. I’ve done it before (of course, you can’t remember that) and I’m not afraid to do it again. Remember that ‘Architect’ dude from the Matrix? Yeah, I’m pretty much the same except not so boring and I’d never have agreed to be in those sequels. Have a 20 minute dance party in the middle of a movie? Great idea, genius.

[14] Dick. Har har!!

[15] But apparently not enough love to elect John Kerry in 2004 – but looking back, I sort of get that.

[16] Could someone please explain to me why I need to keep saying this? Dude crashes like 12 airplanes and gets taken prisoner by the Vietnamese, and he’s a bigger hero than Wolverine. Don’t get me wrong – that prisoner of war thing had to be tough, but it probably did save the Navy several million dollars in additional crashed planes.

[17] And he didn’t just agree with Bush either, they actually used the same voting booth at the same time!

[18] PS – I am NOT a Muslim.

[19] Dude, seriously – I’m not.

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